“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
Last week I wrote about how and why we should stop comparing ourselves with other people. One of our proposed ideas here at Flannels and Heels is to spend two to four weeks on a particular subject, coming at it from different aspects, to include more examples, and get two different perspectives and personal experiences from both me and Sarah to help shed more light on a topic.
Since we all view life in different ways and come from different places and upbringings, sometimes one thought or testimonial won’t hit us just right but another one will. We want to do this to cover a subject more thoroughly and help make sure all of us have the best hope of getting free from what is holding us back from enjoying life more fully. What would you, our readers, enjoy reading most? Multiple posts on a subject or just one? What subjects are you struggling with that you would like us to cover? We’d love to hear from you!
On that note, while thinking about comparison, I realized there are other ways we compare that make us unhappy and keep us from living our best life. I found three ways we do this. And here they go, in no particular order.
1) The Pitfall of Comparing Yourself with Others
Just as a quick recap from last week, comparing yourself with others is not wise. You’re bound to either find yourself feeling like you’re lacking or feeling so far superior that you look down on others. Neither is good for finding joy in life or having meaningful relationships with others.
I can think of so many times that I have swung from one end of the pendulum to the next thinking I’m either the most stupid or the most smart. One end leaves you reeling from insecurity from your feeling of weakness or from the judgment you think others are sure to be putting on you (which is rarely true), and the other gives you a heart of cold hardened steel, judging others for not being as good as you are in some area (even though they are better than you in others).
Compare yourself to yourself alone. Be the best YOU you can be. And even then, have grace on yourself as you learn and grow. Because only you can be you, and the world needs the YOU God put it in for a reason! You have a way of reaching and helping others that no other soul can reach in just the same way. You are important!
When you forget that, remind yourself—daily, hourly, minute by minute. I am still building upon this lesson and my own freedom even now, more than a decade later. I find the more I read Scriptures, the closer I become in my relationship with my Creator, and the more I read others’ hard-earned wisdom on this subject of comparison, the freer I become!
Even as I begin to blog for the first time in my life, I feel the comparison fear sneak up behind me like an ugly, creeping monster, breathing down the back of my neck with its hot breath, trying to swallow me whole and keep me from going. I keep telling myself I should read more blogs to try to learn from the experts the best way to communicate to you, my readers, so you can get the most out of my writings. Even Sarah has encouraged me to do so. And, you know what? This crazy little panicky voice inside my head starts shouting, “No, don’t do it! At least not yet! You’ll get so discouraged when you see how much better everyone else is! You’ll never keep going!” Well, this is the time I’m going to choose to kick that fear monger to the curb and keep going!
There is a difference between learning from others and growing from it, and the terrible trap of comparing yourself.
Check out these additional quotes that blessed me on my journey, I know they will bless you too!
“Don’t compare your beginnings to someone else’s middle.”
—Tim Hiller, “Strive: Life is Short, Pursue What Matters”
“You’re at the start of something great. Don’t let another person’s progress discourage you.”
—everydaypowerblog.com
“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”
—Dolly Parton
“Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.”
—Fannie Flagg
2. The Poison of Comparing Your Past with Your Present
“Do not say, ‘Why were the old days better than these?’ For it is not wise to ask such questions.”
—Ecclesiastes 7:10 NIV
The next way we ruin today is by comparing it to our yesterdays. Perhaps we look back to the carefreeness of childhood, or the pain-free days of a younger, healthier body. Perhaps we long for the days of camaraderie we used to share with friends or family. Or a time before we had experienced such loss or financial hardship. We are always growing, aging, changing, and moving. There are seasons and cycles every year. Some are harder, harsher, and more winter-like. But just as surely, more gentle and pleasant seasons will return.
“If we had no winter, spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
—Anne Bradstreet
I am sometimes tempted to look back to a time when I was able to be very involved in church and Bible studies and the close friendships that come with that. There are definitely parts of those days I miss a lot. Sometimes I wish I lived closer to that church in particular and could go back. But honestly, if I were to take a closer look and was to go back exactly into that time as it was, I would discover that I suffered from depression off and on during that time, feeling excruciatingly lonely in my single-hood even though I was surrounded by friends. It wasn’t all fun and games. And if I were to go back to that place today in current time, it might still be good but it would definitely be different than what it was. Most people I was friends with have married and moved away and I would have to start over making new friends and connections.
Today I get to live with my very best friend and husband Ben, and my energetic three-year-old son, on a piece of paradise on our farm that I moved to when we got married. And I still have wonderful friendships with other women…just in a way different than before.
So, you see, it’s quite worthless to wish I was back in that place or time. So often we put on rose colored glasses when we look back. We forget that life wasn’t perfect back then just like it isn’t now. Those days were beautiful but imperfect. Just like today. We waste a lot of time comparing today in a negative way with yesterday. Let us be thankful for the gifts in yesterday and move on into enjoying today. We will miss all the gifts that are present in today if we are always looking back. We will waste all of our time that could be spent in joy today and find ourselves in the future wishing that we had just enjoyed the days we were in when we were younger.
Back during that time before meeting my husband, I once asked God in prayer on my favorite nature walk, “Why can’t we stay in the beautiful days of spring and summer? Why do the seasons have to change?”
I felt surprised to hear Him whisper in my spirit right back, even though I hear Him best surrounded by the beauty of nature, as I was. I felt Him say to me, “It’s because you would never move forward. You would get stuck in place and miss the beautiful things that lie ahead.”
Don’t get stuck in the beautiful past. Be thankful for it, and then look for the treasures in today!
It really is a joy-sucker to be constantly looking backward. It can be a wonderful thing to think back with warm sentimentality on the gifts in our past with gratitude. In contrast, it can be a sickening thing, like drinking a long draught of poison, to look back with such thunderous longing that we become nauseated and repulsed by today.
It’s time to enjoy the present. Is everything perfect? Of course not! Nothing will ever be fully perfect on a decaying earth. Is there at least one beautiful thing to be thankful for? Of course there is! Enjoy it!
Hunt for it like a hidden treasure; find it, and put it on display in front of your eyes, like a trophy or a medallion, or a picture of your favorite person on a mantle or in a locket around your neck, so you won’t forget! Look at the beauty in your life. And do it on purpose. No matter how small. Every day.
“And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.”
— Ecclesiastes 5:19-20 NLT
3. The Peril of Comparing People (or Things) with Other People (or Things)
Not only should we not compare ourselves with other people nor our past with our present, but we shouldn’t compare the people in our lives with each other if we want fulfilling and happy relationships. For example, we shouldn’t compare our family with somebody else’s family, our spouse with another person, our children with other children, or our possessions with somebody else’s things. This is a deceptive comparison that makes us feel that the grass is greener on the other side.
We miss all of the blessings we could be enjoying when we compare anything or anyone we feel is flawed or comes up short in any way in our eyes. When we get so focused on what seems not right, we forget to see what IS right! Those that have truly joyful and fulfilling relationships in their lives accept people for who they are and enjoy and focus on their beauties and strengths instead. Of course they aren’t perfect, and neither are we.
I still remember so clearly the day Samantha compared her daughter, Michelle, to me as if it were yesterday, even though it was at least a decade ago (not their real names). I was friends with both, and one day happened to be talking to the mother. She suddenly got sullen and said, “I wish my daughter was like you.”
Being that I was friends with Michelle and enjoyed her for who she was, I honestly was taken aback and even offended and said something like, “Oh, no! God gave her wonderful talents and strengths too!” (Not to mention, I have enough flaws and weaknesses not everyone should be just like me!)
It was such a shock to me that I still remember it to this day.
As I got to know Michelle more and more, I discovered that she had a rocky relationship with her mother all of her life. She never felt fully accepted by her and was always found lacking in her eyes, be it her weight or you name it.
I was truly saddened by what they missed out on in a relationship together—all over petty things. Michelle was truly a great person as she was, and her mother Samantha missed it and lost out on the relationship she could have had with her daughter and, later, even with her grandchildren. Comparison is a nasty thing in relationships of any and every kind. It shouldn’t exist in a relationship at all if you want it to be thriving and healthy and if you want to be truly happy.
“I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.”
—Steve Maraboli
We will be in grave peril of losing the very people that we love if we don’t love and accept them as they are—that same love and acceptance we are so desperate ourselves to experience. And how much more brilliant and amazing when we help them to truly be themselves, even as we become our true selves—without comparison!
You are important as you are, and so are the people in your life. Let life be beautiful and enjoy it by not comparing; accept things as they are and have gratitude for the things that are still beautiful in it!
Everything Has a Season
Everything in life has it’s season; nothing will stay as it is. And if we’re in a dark season, what an encouragement that can be! Let me leave you with an encouraging and poetic piece of Scripture:
A Time for Everything
—Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
…Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time…
Which one of these three points stood out for you? What is a step you can make to live life free from comparison? What are some thoughts and experiences you’ve had that have helped you to live joyfully and not compare? Share in the comments below to encourage others reading this blog.