“Are you happy?” my sweet husband asked while we were lying in bed last night.
I paused…
“Well that said it all…” said my husband with a look of defeat and disappointment on his face.
My heart sank…”Of course, I am happy!! I guess, I was thinking, what area of my life are you talking about? If you are asking about if I’m happy in our relationship, then YES! I am very happy. If you are asking me about where we live, then yep, again, I am very content and happy. But if you are asking if I am happy about where I am at in my career, maybe not so much.” But I thought to myself, unfortunately, where I am unhappy in a certain area of my life, overflows into my other happy areas.
Everyone wants to just be happy. Happy at work, at home, in our relationships. Happiness does not coincide with perfection. But being happy is truly enjoying the moment you are having right now.
I am not one that is good with balance in my life. I swing one way one day and swing another way a different day. I will spend one day completely enthralled with studying for a certification for work and the next day spend all day in my flower garden (I think it’s the perceiver in my personality that does this). And then I get down because I am not balanced. And to lift myself up, I tend to have a few to many drinks at night.
I believe happiness is balance. Happiness is taking your day, like your dinner plate, and keeping it balanced. I tend to have too much meat on my plate and end up constipated with the previous days intake. But if I would have just added some more vegetables to my plate, my following day would be not so uncomfortable.
Last week, I was accepted into a doctor of nurse practice program. I had been waitlisted last December and was planning for a new future when I got the letter. I was shocked I was admitted but then confused as to what to do. In 3 months, I would be attending school full time and working full time. Yikes! So was I happy with my new professional future? No. Sadly. No. I was in turmoil. Was I happy? I sure wasn’t having peace inside. But isn’t this what I wanted? Didn’t I want to go back to school? Wasn’t I prepared for this next adventure?
And it comes down to being balanced. I knew in my heart I had not balanced my life in such a way that adding school was going to be a huge challenge. I am so used to just working 3 days a week, having time off to walk my dog, cook, have drinks with friends (or by myself) that I actually feel like I have gotten lazy. Am I ready to give up this lazy, unbalanced life to become structured, diligent, and thoughtful about my daily life. I will really have to start planning my days…
Or am I just fearful of the unknown. What if I can’t work and go to school full time? What if I don’t have the time to spend visiting with my husband and helping him around the house?
I just sometimes want to scream and release this pressure I feel in my chest since I tend to hold things in. My poor husband gets the shutdown version of me especially last night when I come home from a 12 hour shift and just want to sit and be in my own thoughts. And being in my head is another issue.
I am in my HEAD WAY TOO MUCH!! Thinking. Planning. But I don’t do a lot with these thoughts. I’ m just always somehow worried about money, income, my weight, not feeling pretty when my husband touches me, not smart enough for work, worried that I worry too much and am lazy! ARGH! Then I start thinking about adding school to the mixture and I feel myself become more and more unhappy when I should see my future as bright and encouraging.
But the truth is, I can make these next 3 months the best summer of my life and the next 3 years of school the most balanced in my life by being proactive. By SETTING MY MIND and GETTING OUT OF MY HEAD!! It’s time for me to accept that I am going back to school and enjoy the journey. It won’t be perfect but it will be amazing because that is what I choose to make of it. I also choose to be balanced. I don’t what to give up on our blog. I don’t want to give up time with my husband, my family, trips or doing well in school. So I must find balance and trim away parts of my life that take away precious time. For the first time in a long time, I will not have enough time instead of having too much time. I am excited to see what my future holds.
There are just so many things I want to do in life. And I want them to all happen right now. But first, I need to choose a few that are my most important and balance life there and then add more. I see some people and they are so freaking productive in their day that it paralyzes me to try to accomplish even a few things in a day. But I am me. I am my own energy level and that is what I need to work with and balance.
First thing, I need to get out of my head. Stop over thinking, actually stop thinking period unless it is actionable. Like right now, I LOVE the wind in the trees. And as I sit outside near the Columbia River Gorge, a day could not be more beautiful in May in Washington state. Nothing is more soothing then this sound of the wind. It is what God uses to calm me down. To encourage me to be mindful and intentional. It helps me write down my thoughts. But anyway, by identifying that I am in my head, I can change this. I won’t be perfect, but I can do better today than I was yesterday.
Psithurism: the sound of the wind in the trees and rustling of leaves. Aka…Sarah’s anti-anxiety med
Second, is identifying what are the important few things I want to maintain going into this summer in preparation for the added stress of school? First and always, is my husband. I find when I am working on something right before he gets home, I stay focused on it. So when he arrives, I really don’t engage him. I say hello and kiss him but then I go right back to what I was working on. So here to the world I say, even when school starts and I feel like my world is heavy on my shoulders (that is so dramatic) I will stop what I am doing and start with giving my husband my full attention for a minimum of 30 minutes (of course my husband is worth way more than this but this is a start to keeping my husband first). And if it goes longer, great! Because he is my first priority! My relationships are my first priority because life is about people, not perfecting myself and my knowledge base, but people.
Why is my husband so important to my happiness? Because when I shut down or withdraw, or I don’t give him enough attention when he first comes home, I feel unhappy. I feel bad that I am not giving him the attention he deserves or allowing myself to get the attention from my husband that I deserve. I’m not allowing for a full relationship. This makes me unhappy and the thoughts in my head spiral downward. And I seem to be doing this a lot lately. And to be honest, I think it has a lot to do with how I feel about myself, physically. I think I’m digressing and not taking care of myself. The weight I put on over the holidays is still with me in May. I hardly ever shave. I feel ugly even though he says I’m sexy. But it is how I feel about myself that reflects on how I allow my husband to treat me. So to increase my happiness, I need to set my mind to give him priority. So when he comes home today, I’m excited to see him and to drop whatever I am working on, my passport to admissions, this blog or looking up dinner recipes, because I want to be in the practice before school starts to maintain my husband first. My plan is in place. As soon as I hear that truck rumbling up the drive way, my laptop will close, my phone will turn off and my eyes will turn for him.
My other top priorities will of course be exercising and eating healthy. I want and need to shed these few pounds so I feel beautiful. My other top priority is my mind and spirituality to keep healthy. I already have a great habit of spending time with God every day, so I just need to continue doing this. These will help and maintain my self-esteem and self-worth which HAVE to stay in my balance otherwise I will go CRAZY! Being balanced means being deliberate. I will have to intentionally make time for myself. This includes shaving and washing my hair. I can’t believe I’m confessing this. But it is true, I find every excuse to not take care of basic needs. I wasn’t given the knack to really enjoy being a woman. I somehow bypassed this growing up. To this day, I only wear makeup on special occasions. But I do want to feel attractive. And because it is bothering me now, I need to do something about it so I don’t put myself down for not being pretty (in my eyes).
BE INTENTIONAL AND DELIBERATE
Fourthly, or whatever number I am on, I am deciding to keep school in check. I was unhappy with my career before I got into school. I was unsure and unhappy once I got into school thinking about all the uncertainty of it all. But I have made my decision to add this to my life. A decision I have made and I can change if I need to. But I choose to attend but to keep it in balance. I will not allow my life to be overwhelmed with school and work. I want to do my best and there are long days/weeks ahead, but I will not sacrifice my relationships for an “A” in a class. But to live this way, I must balance and keep priorities that will keep me happy. This means following my inner peace. Accepting my choices that I have thoroughly thought through and now not looking back. I am looking forward. This is balance.
So as a quick recap of my aspirations for this summer: being more intentional with my husband, blocking time for myself, prioritizing relationships over school and work, and staying out of my head to save time and energy. Overthinking (worry), is a waste of time. This is my life. I get to choose how to live it. And I want to live it well. And I choose to live intentionally and to stay on the look out for time suckers.