It is a beautiful day here in Washougal as I sit and write this. I’m between night shifts and I couldn’t sleep. UGH!! If you have never worked night shift, not sleeping during the day makes me a dangerous driver in the morning. I think even more dangerous than if I was drunk driving. But this time, instead of lying there discouraged about not sleeping, I took it as a hint from God to get up, clean my dirty kitchen, and take this free time to work on this post. It’s amazing what I can accomplish when I change my mindset and intentionally take advantage of not so great circumstances.
So the topic for the day, rejection. My evil friend. The pain I have allowed you to cause me. So to help you understand me a little better and the perspective I am coming from, I need to start way back when I was a little girl. Freud and those other psychologists, I guess, knew what they were talking about when they talk about childhood events. So here are mine.
As a youngin’, I was home-schooled. I was self-motivated and enjoyed learning. But socialization was nothing more than just plain hard for me. My mom (being the good mom she was) always had me in some social activity: ballet, horse 4-H, basketball, plays, etc. All of these activities were unnerving for this introverted girl going through puberty and establishing self-awareness. Self-awareness, what a hard time in my life. (Thank God for my thirties!) Anyway, for whatever reason that I can’t even pin point, I have been afraid of rejection from friends/people for as long as I can remember. I instantly thought that my friends who “said” that they “wanted” to be around me, were lying. I was born with a distrusting personality. I told myself, the only reason anyone would want to be friends with me was for my horse, or the ATV, or they actually wanted to be around my little sister and not me, etc, etc. And I believed my own self-told lies. There was no evidence of this. I was so very afraid of rejection that I ended up making up reasons for why people supposedly wanted to hang around me. And the result was, I would reject them first. Nope, I don’t want to go see a movie with you. Nope, I have no desire to ride horses with you, I want to ride alone. And why? All because I didn’t feel accepted by other human beings. Or was the real truth that I didn’t accept myself.
I grew up despising my curly, frizzy hair. My chubby body. My voice. I thought I was a failure for not get that 100% on my test. Of course, to add to the picture, I was a perfectionist as a child which didn’t make growing up any easier.
Fast forward into my thirties, I have just begun to grasp the effect of how my reflection of myself has kept me an arm’s length away from having “close friends” for a long time. How important it is to “know thyself.” My circle of friends continues to be small, and to tell you the truth, my best friends are my little sister and mom. The difference now is that I have a small circle of friends by choice and not through fear of rejection. I’ve also put a lot of work into learning about who I am, my personality, my reactions to adversity, who I am attracted to and why I am attracted to them. Anyway, the bottom line is everyone deals with rejection. EVERYONE. But there are those of us who have a harder time dealing with it. For example, perfectionists are a great example, people-pleasers, people with low self-esteems, people who battle depression, etc.
For me, I believe because of my built in perfectionism and my ability to control situations, I took control and rejected first, which I do not recommend doing. I also know now that I am an introvert. So this mixture of wanting to be perfect, needing to reject first so not to be rejected and being in introvert makes a TERRIBLE trio. I might be a little over-dramatic, but I think I had like the worst case scenario. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t and haven’t overcome.
Let’s back up. I’m not saying I don’t like people. In fact, I care deeply and want the best for them. But I don’t like large groups. I like to visit, but not small talk. I trust, but only after I am convinced who you are and what you say behind my back. But this all comes from knowing myself. And knowing yourself takes the whole of your lifetime. I feel as if I learn the same lesson over and over again unless I keep it at the for front of my thoughts. There is a reason why people who maintain daily habits are successful. It’s because they take time every day to focus on themselves. They keep reminding themselves what direction they are headed, what they are working on for that day, and remind themselves of what they learned yesterday. But, back to me…
Just a few years ago, I became very upset that I was not invited to a wedding of one of my co-workers. For one, I have to ask myself if I should have even been upset? I hung out with her like once for a half-marathon. But it still hurt to see everyone in the “in crowd” get an invite and I did not. I wrestled with my feelings over rejection of this for about a year. And then I asked myself, would you have really wanted to go in the first place? Do you even like this “in crowd”? And the answer deep down was, no. No, I don’t like those situations. I prefer to spend my time with someone I truly care about and can be myself which takes copious amounts of time to establish. And that, my friend, is totally normal and okay. I love the few friends I have because I thoroughly trust them and have let them in. And if I want more friends, I do have to make the mental courage to let them in and befriend them. But in the meantime, I am happy and content knowing that my friend number may be low to people looking in on my life, but I am happy to spend time just with my husband. I am happy to go to Las Vegas with just a few friends for a night once a year. That is enough for me. Now, that might not be enough for others, and that is totally cool. But know yourself, know that when you don’t get invited to a party, you are still enough. It hurts. But don’t let that hurt get you down. You aren’t rejected, because the question really is, do you want to be with those people anyway? If I had a party today, who would I want to invite? Those are the people I want to be with. I want to surround myself with uplifting and encouraging people who enjoy talking about wine and self-improvement. I have intentionally looked at rejection, understood where the ugly beast was coming from, grabbed it by its ugly horns, and threw it to the ground.
So what have I done to continue to overcome the fear of rejection, number 1, understand who I am and knowing myself (which is a lifelong process, unfortunately). I love the epiphany I get when I learn a behavior that correlates with my circumstance. Why I react. Why I reject. I don’t feel paralyzed by rejection because I won’t let my mind succumb to it anymore. I will still feel the rejection but it will not define me. This topic is so large filled with self-worth and self-esteem that it calls for its own posting but just knowing even what personality type you have is so important to understanding your reactions and feelings. And then you learn how to control these reactions and feelings because we are more than emotions. We have a mind that is so powerful that it can destroy us or build us up.
Number 2, I picture the Apostle Paul, in the Bible, there are several letters written by the Apostle Paul while he was in prison. No friends, completely abandoned by even seems like God Himself. But he wrote how to stay on course, that those that God chooses to do great things for him are sometimes alone and rejected. Apostle Paul did great things helping Christians walk the Christian walk by writing these books of the Bible. I believe God (or whoever your spiritual deity or belief system is) has a plan for us. I may feel rejected or that I am disliked. But so was Paul at several times in his life. But that didn’t make him any less valuable to God. I am just as important with my friends I can count on my two hands as miss popular down the road with her 500 facebook friends. And no matter what my situation, I know who I am in Christ. I know I’m an introvert. I know I process people much slower than others. And that is just as wonderful as those who can light up a room. So even when I feel like I am in the pit of despair, I will think of Paul, all alone in that prison cell and think, I am still useful and precious and not forgotten. Great people go through great rejection. It’s how we handle our rejection that defines us. It’s knowing what you really should be thinking instead of feeling about someone and their actions towards you.
And last but not least, be mindful of what you are thinking about. When I start hearing myself say, oh, they just want…I say, NO, this isn’t true. Let’s really make a conscientious decision as to whether or not we truly do want to get to know them. Stop over-thinking and enjoy the relationships that can be. Most of my relationships are either work related or casual. But the few deep relationships for me are all I need for myself. Be happy and content right now with the people in your life. And especially be happy with yourself, right now, with all the flaws and failures you think you have. Because perfection will never be achieved and life is way too short to not enjoy the moment right now with the body and mind you have been blessed with. Don’t fear rejection, fear not overcoming it. And overcoming rejection requires intentional thought about knowing who you are in face of overwhelming emotions and feelings. Facing those feelings, taking hold of them and then having the power to overcome them. And believe me, you have the power because your mind can truly go in any direction you direct it to go. You are the conductor of your mind. Conduct it in the direction you want to go. Not the direction your feelings tell you to go.
Remember: Rejection Is Simply Redirection